Let It Get To You

What do you do when someone wrongs you? When you are misunderstood; when another does not attempt to understand or trust you; when circumstances or treatment feel unfair?

There is a sense of precariousness that seems to hold many of us back from remaining present to the experience of hurt and anger. A strange extra step gets created between the stimulus and the sensation, one that somehow appears normal or even necessary. It is the internal filter which asks: “what will happen if I feel this?”, as though the effects or consequences of feeling it will be too great to bear. As though the wound is inevitable, normal, and cannot be survived if we attend to the sensation of hurt.

I have found that a standard response to disclosure about certain struggles in work, school, and even some interpersonal challenges is often some form of “you’ll encounter that anywhere”, “welcome to the real world”, “it sucks, but you’ll have to get used to it”. As discouraging as the lack of emotional attunement can be, I try remember that these are projections of others’ experiences of hurt, helplessness, and fear — it’s not about me. We can’t be present to feelings in others that we do not allow ourselves to feel. And so, the mantra that gets passed along is “don’t let it get to you”.

Fuck that.

I don’t mean to dismiss very real experiences that the majority of people have had of their feelings being minimized, ignored, or treated as signs of weakness. In an economic system built on perpetual growth and machine-like productivity at the expense of our wellness, sensitivity is treated as foolish, useless, threatening, and a waste. Workplaces will be set up such that job retention depends upon never being slowed down by feelings that demand to be felt. Even many employers who value justice, peace, and wholeness are often so immersed in capitalist ideology (learned at home, school, work, etc.) that they continually expect busyness and More from employees. I both hate and have empathy for this; where do they or we encounter Another Way enough to trust it, let alone to see that constant productivity is not the only or best option?

There is another way. our feelings lead us to it.

What if you “let it get to you”?

What if we made space to be soft and angry?

What if we did the risky thing of listening to our hurt, to what we need, to what we need to protect ourselves from?

Sensitivity is clarifying. It invites us into our realities and allows for discernment. sadness and anger can be fruitful if we let them guide us. I don’t mean reactivity, or punishing, or letting resentment build and be taken out on others or ourselves. It can be scary to trust that these feelings will bear fruit — especially if first they uproot — but they are vital messages of information from our bodies and spirits.

There is a difference between feeling difficult sensations as well as their accompanying grief and being overwhelmed by anxiety. There is also a difference between honoring feelings and acting out from them. We can choose not to be punishing while also holding our hurt tenderly.

We will still be kind — we will not harden to ourselves, and thus we will not harden to others. Even anger can help us to soften toward others — if we feel it, listen to it, and respond to it instead of resisting and reacting out of it. We can feel hard things, express them honestly, and still be kind to those we’re upset with. When we are responsive to our wounds and needs, we slowly release the fearful impulse to punish.

Next time you’re inclined to take the “don’t let it get to you” route, try asking yourself: Where do I feel it in my body? What is “it”? What is it asking for?

Freezing our feelings keeps us stuck in What Is (yet without being present to it), but to feel is to allow movement. It lets the experience move through us so we can begin to relate to it in a new way — as an agent — and imagine other possibilities. How can we tune into and discover what is necessary for our flourishing if we do not feel our needs? To feel and tend to pain is to know “it shouldn’t be this way,” which leads us to the intuitive knowledge that there is another way.

A beautiful truth that unfolds as we “let it get to us” and choose to pursue a better way is that flourishing is not individual. We are deeply connected. Attending to yourself benefits others, too! One of many reasons for this is that our empathy for others is limited when we limit empathy for ourselves. Let’s take our pain seriously.

Joy, justice, and very good work will not come from bodies that are hardened, disconnected, and protecting productivity. The future unfolds when we FEEL. Let us not be stuck! I cannot know what you need to or can do to care for what you let get to you, but I trust that your body will guide you and that feeling it will help.

So: let it get to you. I give you that permission here and now. Feel the hurt, listen to it, nurture it, let it take up space, respond to it. Let it lead you to create more beautiful futures.

It is very important that we feel. We will not abandon ourselves.